Ticketing System

-------BORING ANALYTICAL STUFF--------

In which the author attempts to make himself feel better by

removing all emotional context from his condition

It occurs to me this Tuesday morning that all trips are one way.

Regardless of your desire to return to your starting point you will return to your destination a different person based on the adventures from your journey.

This has been percolating for a few days for me. I remember my surgeon tellig B and I before the surgery that some effects from it would be permanent. Specifically he was referring to the aphasia. Our discussion on it was brief but direct and to the point (wonderful surgeon, Dr Soo).  (Hey B! Remember discussing Broca the other night?)

Anyway, the one of the areas of the brains that were harmed by my tumor is indicated by the green circle in this diagram:

Damage to this part of the brain causes what is known as aphasia. Characterized by difficulty choosing proper words from the word-storage-thingy in my head, as well as propositional word misplacement, i mean how specific is that?!? Therapy is supposed to alleviate some of the effect that is required to put together comprehensive thoughts and ideas. We'll see about that.

Part of the one way ticketing system says that somethings will never be the same. Oh, i can analyze a chess board (position, not design of the board). Win bunches of games, set up a network, I can configure RIPV2 (with notes), reconfigure a desktop system for SLI gaming, no issues with analysis at all. Just communicating those ideas to the world. There are some other cognitive effects that I can't quite define (duh) so i will not go into the description until i have the proper vocab in order to not mislead on the extent.

All aboard!

Some of you are saying what's the big deal? Well the big deal is that me and my brain go waaay back. We've always had a semi-adversarial relationship, i mean it keeps my heart beating, my lungs filling with air makes my hands move when i want all the basic stuff is reliable, the problem i have always had with my brain is it never shuts up. Blah blah blah always got something to say, like Homer says "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip", now, i think it's got me in check, not mate yet, but it certainly has a King-Rook fork. Check out the giant chess board D and I put together on G+ (and if you're not active on G+ it would be the perfect time to sign up!).

So back to the one way trip: I have a bit more than 2 weeks of therapy to go. After the rad treatment the brain will simmer down for a bit, get back to what it would be a non-irritated state (take that, brain!) In it's non-irritated state they will do an MRI to check the nominal status of it's condition and take appropriate action. This is where the train leaves the station destinations are limited:

• My new Normal 
• Progressing
• Some sort of stasis that require continued treatment for maintenance.

My fear is more progressing, how much of my word-keeping-thingy can you take? What happens next? Next? Then what?

I remember when i checked into the ER, how distant i felt, the connections to the world were tenuous, the brain was fine i was there alive and thinking but the connections were weak there was a distance that i could not overcome.. How weak and far can they get? This is a one way ticket.

Is that all? Really? Not too dramatic from the inside.....