Since this last week of chemo and rad have begun something inside has changed. It is as if some sort of critical mass has been reached and the body is ready yo do what it needs to do with all this treatment that has been happening. As if it has been storing it up for the next 28 days or so.
A dozen different things are happening to me as side effects. Remember how positive and strong i said i have been feeling? Well lets just say it positive and strong are not words i would use to describe myself right now. I am feeling weak and sick and depressed and generally run-down like i could go to sleep for a long time. I know it is just another phase of the treatment and i will get through it, i do know that. But each moment is a chore right now, and i want nothing to do with it.
I received a certificate of RAD completion from Dr C's office this AM. A couple of days early but that's fine. I can hang it up next to the boys baseball pictures. Yay.
I am starting to wonder what it would be like to die from GBM. Is is a light switch or is it like that tiny thread of disappearing that i described previously. Can it happen while i am sitting here typing? Just fall forward and hit th hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh key with my nose untill someone finds me?
I saw a picture a couple of weeks ago (on G+ of course) of a young man (15 or 16) taken about a year ago, he also had the GBM, odd thing is when i first found their posts i thought they were a month or so behind me, July 2013, of course i missed the detail that the post was from July of 2012.
The picture was taken by a family member as they were loading him into an ambulance from his home. This was obviously a pic some one took as they were taking him away for the last time. He was just a kid. I keep seeing this image in my head, outside cold daytime ambulance stretcher family kid covered against the cold condos.
What was it like? Even a final moment has a final moment.
I became pretty well versed with GBM when my cousin was diagnosed and lived for the 8 years after diagnosis. This site was helpful to me:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.brainhospice.com/
And a good book that I have read is How We Die by Sherwin B. Nuland.
I dont think you're gonna have to answer that any ttime soon ;-)
ReplyDeleteI have used words as my medicine for years. To be speechless makes me feel small and petty. If I could just find some motherfucking words for you...
ReplyDeleteI don't have any. May I buy you a glass of wine, my brother?
At times we all wonder what if......You just have to remember everybody has their own story. You can be down now but you WILL get back up again. I love you.
ReplyDeleteSarah: Wow. What you said up there was what has been in my head but i just didn't realize it. Words have been my medicine for years. Wow. I agree also -- being speechless makes thee feel small and petty. We all need to remember -- we are all hospice candidates, we are all terminal, we are all going to the same place as those before have gone. There's no expiration date - no expectation date -- we don't know.
ReplyDelete