Sharp Pointy Things

Ouch!

All edges have the ability to cut. Especially things that are designed to cut, but we all know about those and taught from an early age keep your hands off, moms and dads teach kids about these things early on. Along with hot things off the stove or barb, don't jump from high up you'll get hurt, the bathtub gets slippery when it's wet, don't stick things in electrical outlets, stay away from stray dogs, check the expiration date on milk, so mane little thing. You can share the list and give many more but at some point the youngster needs to learn the difference on there own, there's just too much, common sense needs to  needs to rule, but that's another one that youngsters need to learn about, this one pretty much on their own.

I remember as a kid the object lessons i learned. My problem was with burns, barbs, bonfire, fireworks, I even lit a Molotov Cocktail one time. Lucky noon ever got hurt (except me) . I wonder if anyone else had the same type of numskull issues. I was a bad child headed for no place good, lucky for me i wound up in the Navy before any real damage was done. I still had authority issues, but on a different scale, and no one was going to get hurt by me staying absent for an extra 24 hours.

And then we learn. With hope the important lessons are short, succinct and painless with no one getting hurt or even wounded by misrepresentation. We can change our minds like clouds on a over day. We do what we want and move on.

So (my favorite expression) here we are. The more what changes? as am adult not too much, but as a child we're still malleable or relay-dough. As an older gentleman changes come and go, with urgency, or not. Youngsters, on the other-hand, tend to take it all very serious. Lacking the ability, or desire to assess a situation and take whatever action is appropriate

My advice is to figure it out on the fly, it can be a rough start but you get the opportunity to participate, also: don't cry, have a conversation about it, ask "what the heck are you talking about?" even say F-You (yes, saying that will  gets more respect than others replies,), respectfully dismiss "your crazy"  There are hundreds of appropriate responses, none of the entail running out of the room.  All of theses things put you on a footing  of equal situation rather than being victim.

One last thing comes to mind: the difference between men and women when it comes to disputes. What i am referring to is the style of lessons. The world would be a much different place if we (men) thought, acted and behaved. We are taught differences as boys and girls by mom's and dad's as we grow. The issue comes in when daddy leaves, or is around for some abbreviated amount of tum. Then you need to figure it out on your own, but you can do it.

Hi everyone

Good Morning everyone

Pardo bad spelling.


The surgery on saturday was really be done awake and painless. It was exceptionally painful, it really. I just laid there for an hour crying out why doud it hurt so bad, finally the DR sa

.................

Almost there!

But where? That is the question.

Leaving for Disney tomorrow, met with Dr Soo yesterday. Both are interesting topics so i'm nit sure which one to discuss first.

Theres always fun to discuss a Disney adventure. We are leaving tomorrow afternoon really looking forward to it. Even the travel will be fun, Mitchell is the travel expert for Reese since he flew once about 12 years ago.

Not sure where to go next with this.

Dr Soo is recommending surgery on the Saturday we come back from our trip. This is the surgery where they keep you awake so they can monitor the progress as they perform their process. Kinda intimidating.

He emphasized the fact that this thing doubles in size each month if left untreated, so we will be doing some treatment. Did i mention i'll be awake during the treatment? Yikes

Cancer is a Savage

The cancer that eats at a person comes in all shapes and forms.

The physical manifestation can be painful or might not have any sensation at all. Sometimes it comes and goes with the weather. That is all as i would expect a savage to show itself. Weak and strong at the same time, surprising one for no reason other than an ability to show itself as an opportunity. No intent is needed for the physical showing, believe me it just happens.

The rest of the savage cancer is emotional, this is the one that hangs out, wants to cozy up and hung out. It knows when you are at your most vulnerable and hangs on tighter then because that is when the savage gets the most life force from you. What do you do? Hang on tight is all. This can be bumpy. The trick for me come from a Zen practice called Practicde.  This simply means not resisting. Acknowledge it is there, define it, but don't fight it, let it traverse your heart and mind like a breeze through your spring window shade.  No it is not easy, no i cannot do it on desire, but the practice is what you need.

Here's the low down!

10mm growth on 2 dimensions. It looks as if another surgery will be the best option. This is not certain yet, the surgeon will be the deciding factor, but from the oncologist visit on friday he was leaning toward it and expected the surgeon to follw suit.

I do not want radiation. I do not want infusion. Luckily both of these options are beneath surgery as an option.

Oh my boys, my boys.....

Can i get a little  Practicde!

I have been feeling some things change in my physical attributes over the last 3 + weeks or so, for better or worse, who knows, my vision has changed, my ability to read has changed, finding words has changed, and More!! My fingers crossed to the fact that one more MRI before surgery shows pseudoprogression is the issue, not progression. I see this as a real viable option, but the MRI would have to be but off until just before surgery.


I think i have more to say but imonna stop for now post back and i'll catch ya latter.

love yall
Jeff

Back in the day....

I remember back in 1995 i moved from San Diego to a city called Melbourne, FL. For reasons that i would like to keep discreet it was the best thing for me at that time, it's what some people would call a Geographic. In this context a geographic has a very specific meaning.

When I first moved out there i had detroit leftover in me, young, thuggish, recreational drug user all kinds of nonsense. I was a pressman by trade and was lucky enough to be able to find work running a printing press just about anywhere. To make me double lucky i found work at a small print shop at i will call EP.

At the time it was just another paycheck and i could leave at any time. But over the course of my first year at this run of the mill printshop something began to change. I began to notice that the owner and her husband were genuinely good people. They had a concern for my well being and i wasn't sure why.

One day it dawned on me that the concern they had wasn't for me necessarily, they were just being themselves, Good People.

The reason i am bringing this up is because after 10 years we are going to be in their neighborhood and i am very excited to introduce them to my family and show off my beautiful wife and kids. I don't think i would be here with B, M, and R with if it weren't for the example that F and S showed me. I feel like i owe them a lot and for this i thank them.

Sunday Papers for 9/29

It looks as if our boys are on hot streaks.

They both played yesterday and won again. They get pretty excited. This puts Mitchell at 3 and 1 and 

Reese at 4 and 0.

Pretty proud of them!

There is a lot of practice that goes into these games and they are working their buts off so they deserve the winns.

So for us this week it has been a not too exciting week, it seems as if you could classify it as maintenance on the medical front. We started both chemos again on monday, one of them runs 5 days one runs 7. (I know i have mentioned this before but the 5 day course strikes me as a little convenient. They did the five day treatment for the radiatio as well, monday through friday.

We had a follow up mri at the end of last week and we got mixed messages about the determination. The physician that looked at the results said he say a progression while my physician was lees sure, so we have another one scheduled for next week. This should be the one to pay attention to.

Since we started the new chemo course i have noticed changes in my illness:

• My vision from my left-occipital log seems to be deteriorated.
• Headaches are constant, even though medications
• My higher level word processing is either worse or just pointed out, embarrassingly so, by my speech pathologist. (Which is really what i would expect from her, find the issues and address the directly)

So i chalk this up to just a normal recovery process right, Optimistic Doctors, Optimistic Bec and myself. No problem.

But thoughts need to be addressed: this thing IS gonna get the better of me eventually. Preparations need to be made just contemplating the list is overwhelming. The afterlife is not for me, that goes to my survivors, but the ideas and goals and hopes and plans and memories and mistakes made, these are mine to share.

But where to start? I have a list started in another forum, but it's a list and that is not the proper format for sharing. I think once that these details will start to come out before too long and i will share as much as i can with my readers but for the most part they will be hand written in the journal that LittleS gave me a while back. That should be the perfect forum i think.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a good Sunday, B is making bacon and eggs and muffins (she is the best) and i am starving!!!!!

Back to Basics

Today i restart my chemo for a month.

There are two different meds starting, one runs for 30 days straight, and on only for 5 days, (again with the weekends off, how convenient for Timodar). Anyway, not really looking forward to it, i am just want to sleet to 4 to 5 hours sleep a day, i can only hope that the sleeping issue is from radiation and not the chemo, cause i really really want to feel better.

Have a good day!

One way tickets revisitede

So on this exceptionally chilly thursday morning i am thinking of what it takes to to become whole again.

I feel as if pieces of me are missing, call it a chemical reaction to all the meds i am taking, or a normal feeling based on my surgery. Regardless, the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle do not all seem to go together in the same way as they did previously. It;s still a puzzle that fits together but now it makes a Pony instead of a Lighthouse if you know what i mean.

It feels as if i am a new (different) person, i have different skills and abilities (not superhero variety, that would be fine), but now i have to figure things out. I have to read and reread things to make sense of them. If, for example, i stop writing this blog in mid-paragraph for some reason i will need to go back to the beginning of the section and reread in order to pick up my thread and continue. As if someone else had written it. (My speech therapy knows EXACTLY what i am going through, and has exercises and drills to assist, (i thought i was unique)) 

I know what i know, I have been looking through some of my advanced Cisco security books, I know this stuff, within limits. I haven't lost anything that i am aware of (!) But the assimilation of new knowledge is difficult to say the least. Like i said though, my speech therapist has zeroed in on the exact problem area and is forcing me to work on strategies to learn the brain new tricks. I need to get this functionality back my ability to garner and synthesize new knowledge from existing info has always been a tool i've used to it's maximum.

For example, we picked up a new MFD with scanner, fax and printer. The hardware is hooked up in minutes, it is a logical connection that is darn near universal. BUT the software to control the device is independent and all based on the manufacturer, that is where the trouble begins. This might take two days to finish....feels kind of helpless.

So as far as a One-Way-Ticket geos  Yes, they are all one way, your destination might be the same but the journey will change you forever.

Trip update,

          ,_
          I~
          |\
         /|.\
        / || \
      ,'  |'  \
   .-'.-==|/_--'
   `--'-------'    

Erin and i came up with a plan......we found some fake gold and silver pirate treasure on amazon, we are gonna hide it on the beach and make a treasure map to put insife a bottle witha cork for the boys to find and follow while at the beach. Shhhh, dot say anything.

Everything else seems to be in place, the only item that makes me nervous is the bout lease, we haven't heard from the owners ye, they may be busy with other charters though, so i will be patient.

Have a good day people!

No Update

As expected, the DR did not have enough time between therapy and Dx.

They rescheduled the another MRI for a couple of weeks to see if he was looking at pseudo-progression or progression. The technician called it progression but we are discounting that based on the similarity of the way they look.

We'll see!

One Prognosis coming up!

Today B and i meet with Dr S for the post-treatment-assessment.

Couple of issues at hand:
1. They scheduled it early based on my headaches (2-weeks early) This makes me wonder about the ability to Dx something rather than look for the cause of the headaches  I mean i am all for the no headache thing, but i would rather have....you get where i am going.

2. They bumped my appointment again, 4 days earlier because Dr S has an out of town appt he needs to attend to. Alright, does anyone else see an issue here? I do like this Dr especially his PA, she is EXCELLENT at her job and more than makes up for anything i find to complain about. I do trust them to make the proper decisions, but lately i want a schedule and i would really like it to be stuck to.

3. I don't want any bad news. Thats not too much to ask is it? I believe i went over this before, but in a nutshell, the Dr described a scenario where it is going to come down to my assessment of my issues to make his determination of my status. AWKWARD. I truly feel no different from day one of chemo and rad. Should I? should the surgery have done it's part and left little for the chemo and rad to do? That is how it feels. With the exception of side effects that are beginning to clear up a bit. I guess that is good news, i guess?

Appointment is after 2PM today, I will post and let everyone know what the verdict is.


NE Way:

We got the football pics back from the photographer, (nothing digital, imaging that). I am mesmerized by to looks on the faces of the boys in their solo pics. I can read so much into the expressions, what they are thinking about, what they are hoping for and more they are like little open books to their parents, above the fun they are obviously having i see pensiveness in R's eyes. For M i see a lot of confidence in his game, R needs more of that.

INSIDIOUSNESS (no, i didn't make it up)

On this Monday morning i have awoken with an realization that i have a tendency to be a prick. And left unchecked my prickishness will creep in and take over my interaction with people. I try to remember that no one knows what is in my head, weather i am on the verge of falling asleep, of nauseous or joint pains, no one knows but my reaction seems to be as if they should know that is a ridiculous notion. For me to expect others to behave in a certain manor based on my mystery feeling of the moment is an embarrassing notion that i need to get under control for the sake of my relationships with people.

So let me say this clearly right now: I will improve and explain and empathy and not blame anyone for MYSELF. I also will remember that OTHER people are involved in this process and they CARE about me, that is a precious commodity and it is valued to me, I will not be squander it by my insidious prickishness.


Pinky Promise

Next Ups!

Both boys won their football on Saturday!

Both of them made key blocks and plays during the game, pretty awesome, you can feel the mood around them lighten and be more happy and outgoing when the game is in the win column. Keep is up guys!

This week's happenings include no change on my medical condition except for soreness in the leg joints. A little bit of feeling like i have been frozen in this in between place, between recovering and still being treated. and no communication from my medical contacts, i don't need constant communication, but c'mon, it's me after all... :-)

I have my follow up MRI on Tuesday, this will be the biggie. Gonna give Med Onc Dr an assessment of the current status of tumor. He has mentioned several times that there is an effect he refers to as pseudo-progression, this is where in the MRI has, apparently, a swollen tumor attached. But in reality what it is is is an aggravated area of the brain and it is swollen. The plan if this is seen is to A) surgically examine and remove or B) Use my assessment to determine if it is getting worse or not.

My assessment is not going to of much use, the only i feel is TIRED. If tiredness is symptom of anything then thats the issue, it is overwhelming. I sleep for an hour or so at a time, wake up for an hour or so then back at it, 24 hours a day. Thank you for all your sleep suggestions but getting to sleep is not the problem, staying asleep is. I have a cure in mind, and my, ahem, alternative physician is working on it for me, we'll see how it goes. 12 hours uninterrupted sleep would be just what i need, do it 4 or 5 days in a row,,,oh happy days.

So we are planning a trip to Disney before the next big Medical Event, (Chemo, RAD, Back to Work). After working on the details for a  week i have a new found respect for travel agents, sooo many details to look at. We are going to do the Disney hotel for a few days then rent a sailboat and stay out on the water over night and see the big fishes, hopefully. Little R is scared of the sharks and flying, i remember being afraid of flying. M seems to take it it all in stride, of course he does, he is so grown up at 12.  He has flown before (at 3, i think) so he is the expert he will share all his flying advice with his brother and let him know that the shark-week documentary we watched was actually a movie disguised as a news show, sometimes the dynamic between them is stunning in its brotherly-ness, if ya know what i mean....

Intermission!

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     ()__)____________)))))    

So we are facing some changes on the homefront as far as people helping out go. I don't want to go into too many causal details, but let me just say it's me, maybe? Not really sure it gets complicated and secondary issues come into play, but i do have a tumor so i can take it and it's like teflon, rolls right off. And I'm coolio with it. Shahrazad has found another place to live right down the road less than a mile away so she will be available in a pinch like she has been from day one (thank you!).  I think in this case it comes down to familiarity  breeds familiarity to coin a phrase. Over the last few weeks tensions have been slowly growing over different things i have mentioned, in a perfect world we could reset everything to 0 after conversations but nothing works like that.

The boys will be missed greatly, they are wonderful kids to have around not just for my kids but they are genuinely good kids to have around. i will mis their jokes and games. On a daily (ok, maybe not daily) basis lol.

Everything will be fine, sisters will heal, boys will see how the healing is done, and everyone will be wiser for it.

Tadaa!

Have a Great Sunday!

The Neverending Story

I seem to have a occasional recurring theme, think of it as My Biggest Complaint about GBM!

This week it is sleep. I would give a lot for a good night (or more) sleep. I seem to get no more than 2 hours at a time then i am up for anywhere from an hour to two before i fall back. During the day this doesn't happen, to many little things to do to get in sleep. At night though, i just ramble around the house, play with the computer (no games, they don't interest me for whatever reason).
i'll make coffee at 3:30 or 4, maybe blog a bit, listen to music whatever. Anything but actually sleep.

I know GMa will be here around 7am for my 8am appt, hell, thats only three hours, a couple cups of coffee and it'll be time to go. So I'll smoke 5 cigarettes, eat 5 nicotine gums. Maybe some cereal before i medicate, Watch my new favorite shows (anything with GOLD! in the title is fine).

The primary way to pass my time is to pace until i wake the dogs, the big one, Z, sleeps out in the living room, the little one, Z sleeps crated (she has always been a trouble maker).

Anyway: I just wanted to say HI!

PS: Shaharazade was asking or an after surgery pic of my brain.

Click here to see it

The Shellfish Game (or OMG WTF is he talking about)

Let's play a game!

The Shellfish Game is what i call it. This is where i hide a fact in plane sight somewhere and you try to figure out what i am talking about.

Sound like fun? No? Not to me either.....Lets skip it...

Moving on....

Look at this pic

My pre-breakfast snack, this without chemo involved....I don't even want my Lucky Charms now :-(

We are all products of our environment, some nature some nutture, but ALL product. Kids are born as a blank-slate, tabula-rasa is the clinical description i believe, on the tabula you will have predisposition or a trajectory toward certain behavior characteristics (nature), after that parenting and environment kick in and begin affecting the innate trajectory an infant/youngster/ankle biter would have. This is, obviously, a good thing without the influence of our peers and parents you can imagine where we would wind up as a society.

So...we as children have needs and find ways to describe them to our caregivers and the caregivers respond accordingly. Whether the response is affirmative, negative or to feed or whatever, the feedback to the child is nurture, it will influence the trajectory of the child's in-born  desire to fulfill it's need, either by accepting the positive feedback or by working through the negative feed back and accepting that this (whatever desire it was), is not available or appropriate at this time, these feedbacks go into formulating our new trajectory as a human.

Here is a quick summary of what i think i have tried to say:

Parents are like a grapefruit, they contain all the necessary ingredients to create grapefruit juice, when you squeeze them (with a desire or a nature-request) you get grapefruit juice out of them. Regardless of what the response, the grapefruit juice comes out for the child. It is not the grapefruit that the child receives, because the grapefruit is a product of the parent's trajectory and cannot be given, it is an internal process. SO....the juice is given to the child by consuming the juice this goes to formulating the next generations grapefruit .

Now for the Children: siblings born into the same house will still have there own trajectory at birth, too many variable in the brain for them to be the same. But what happens to the grapefruit? How can the grapefruit juice from the same parents taste so different? Is the juice affecting the grapefruit? how can that be?
Squeeze a grapefruit and taste the juice, you cannot affect the grapfruit through the juice.

Why then the enormous difference in response from two siblings?

Welcome to the Shellfish Game!

New HPRP gammons blog posted

New HPRP gammons blog posted


Enjoy

Sunday Papers!

Hello everyone!

It has been almost a week since i have posted anything so there is some catching up to do, Buckle In!

Thursday was the last day of both chemo and rad, 6 straight weeks of Monster 1 and Monster 2, with 5 days a week of radiation being shot into the side of  head, (radiation takes weaken the weekends off for some reason [odd]....). Even before the treatments stopped i was feeling some significant effects, I mentioned previously that there must be some critical mass that is hit and causes the body to start reacting. This is really a significant issue that they neglected to mention.

Just about everything that they warned me about has come true, thrush, soreness, nausea, boo-boos that won't heal, taste buds don't work except for salt, sugar and sour, and SLEEP!!! The sleep factor cannot be understated. I get theses waves of needing to sleep about every 4 hours, not just drowsy but a full blown I must sleep now... feeling and I will go down for a couple of hours, wake up totally disoriented and take a half hour to figure out my situation, where was i how long was i out what am i supposed tot be doing right now as well as an emotional anchor dragging around my neck, this is pretty difficult to deal with. Thanks to B for being so understanding and helpful during these (and all other) stressful times. She is the one constant to me, not that other people are not, but when i turn around she is there every time with help and patience all the info that i need to help answer some question about some subject that i do not know the details on, as well as unconditional love, caring and concern. She is AMAZING. 

 So, here's the therapy timeline as it stands now for now, 28 days with nothing except necessary as needed medicine (anti biotics, headache and others) but no Monster1 or Monster2. During this time i am scheduled for another MRI which will help determine if there is to be more radiation or surgery. Regardless of the MRI results i will begin chemo (both monsters) at the end of the break.

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I have been thinking about collecting things, not starting collecting but things i have collected over time.

How much enjoyment i get out of certain things, right now as i type this i am listening to Fun Lovin Criminals, a great band from NYC, i have collected all their music, hardly anyone knows them, B knows some just because i push certain songs, (she is also great at humoring me!) I have a ton of music like that, and eBooks on Physics, and some eBooks of what i would call important fiction. They say that speaking in metaphor  is a higher form of communication. A metaphor allows you to express a complex idea in a more succinct manner. Think of it like this: I say Life is Like a Roller Coaster, and without explanation you understand the idea i am trying to get across, you could respond with But a Rolling Stone Gathers no Moss. The complex ideas get communicated more efficiently than if we had to explain the ideas behind the metaphor. The important fiction is like that.

I guess what i am getting at is that what i collect or amass over time has no real value outside of me. I want to share it all so my kids can enjoy or see the importance of these things. Over a lifetime you can share these things a bit at a time, who knows how much time me or ANYONE actually has. It is hard to accept the uselessness of some actions, when after all this time these things have been important. I have a chess book that was printed in the 1860's. Think of that, hand set type (in reverse cause that's how it was done back then), chess notation, it has no value (or minimal) but it is one of my favorite items.

I have to resist the urge to push what i see as important or valuable on those surrounding me, oddly it creeps up with a certain intensity, "I need to show BigADL this he can use this", but no. He's a big boy, the Dynamic Quality i posted about previously has to be organic, the quality exists for the consumer.

Ramble ramble ramble....

Thanks for listening (and listen to some Billy Bragg, you will love it)

Mysterious Ways

Since this last week of chemo and rad have begun something inside has changed. It is as if some sort of critical mass has been reached and the body is ready yo do what it needs to do with all this treatment that has been happening. As if it has been storing it up for the next 28 days or so.

A dozen different things are happening to me as side effects. Remember how positive and strong i said i have been feeling? Well lets just say it positive and strong are not words i would use to describe myself right now. I am feeling weak and sick and depressed and generally run-down like i could go to sleep for a long time. I know it is just another phase of the treatment and i will get through it, i do know that. But each moment is a chore right now, and i want nothing to do with it.

I received a certificate of RAD completion from Dr C's office this AM. A couple of days early but that's fine. I can hang it up next to the boys baseball pictures. Yay.

I am starting to wonder what it would be like to die from GBM. Is is a light switch or is it like that tiny thread of disappearing that i described previously. Can it happen while i am sitting here typing? Just fall forward and hit th hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh key with my nose untill someone finds me?

I saw a picture a couple of weeks ago (on G+ of course) of a young man (15 or 16) taken about a year ago, he also had the GBM, odd thing is when i first found their posts i thought they were a month or so behind me, July 2013, of course i missed the detail that the post was from July of 2012.

The picture was taken by a family member as they were loading him into an ambulance from his home. This was obviously a pic some one took as they were taking him away for the last time. He was just a kid. I keep seeing this image in my head, outside cold daytime ambulance stretcher family kid covered against the cold condos.

 What was it like? Even a final moment has a final moment.

¡¡¡ Side effects and More !!!

For a couple of days now i have been through some pretty significant physical side effects. I guess with a week to go on the chemo and rad the monsters 1 and 2 needs are reaching some sort of critical mass in me probably in preparation for 28 days of no monster meds.

I seem to be getting mixed messages from the physicians i am working with . Differing information from both previous communications and from each other. It works like this: early on in the process i was told that all little boo-boos i get will be slow to heal and prone to minor infections, so i need to be conscientious about taking care of cuts and scrapes. Today when i mention it they both go "Never heard of that...".  Obviously they are willing to help and discuss any issues i bring up, but the different information is a bit disconcerting. I remember being told....just not by whom.

The worst yet was yesterday morning when in a sound sleep shooting pains started in both knees and woke me up. It was in incredible feeling that made me whimper. This morning, again, although i dosed myself with Aleve before bed is is more manageable, pain through both knees.  One of the physicians has (this time i know which one) told me that the steroids can cause joint pane, and that until i uncomfortable we will keep steroid use as it is. I see this particular physician today and will certainly bring it up. Although yesterday's other onco visit he told this wouldn't be from steroid use..... There seems to be a gap in information from physician to physician.

I got a text yester from BigB asking what we were up to and inviting me and B out with him and P, (sorry for all the initials!) for a chillaxin. What a great time, to be away with non-illness related business to tend to, swapping stories and just laughing and enjoying each others company. I didn't even realize how much i needed it until after it was over and B and i were driving home and it hit me that i (we?) are so wrapped up in this issue that life itself passes by, even when i feel great, and we forget to enjoy just time spent. Thanks again BigB, you and P did a lot more than just get me up and out (and pay).

This weekend we are going to Mio to go tubing. It used to be a yearly event but fell off somewhere, this year it is back with a vengeance. Saturday is forecasted to be 81 sunny and 10% chance of rain. That sounds perfect. We have an 8ft  party island that seats 4 adults or however many kids you can stack up, i think about 8 tubes, and someone is bringing a canoe, (can't wait to see that :-)  )  Got new fishing poles for me and the boys that are finally gonna get wet, even if we have to stay later on Sunday, this time the boys and I are gonna feed the fish by the dam. Sissy and D are both going! I don't think either one has ever been...(a lot of cloudy memories of tubing at Mio). This is gonna be a good one.

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          [_[___________#

Last week the issue of time came up. I guess it is inevitable to ponder is this thing really going to kill me in 2 years maximum? (According to SSI). Who knows, we cant check progres until my current protocol is on the 28 day break. But does that mean that we just sit here and wait? Of course not, but what do you do? How do you prepare to die, especially if you have no idea when it will happen? Try as often as you can to ensure the littlest ones know you love them and set a good example. Is there more? Please post.

For the non-children in the group? I will do what i feel is best, as well as show respect to your concerns, but i have a pretty narrow focus, for right or wrong, so how i allow myself to be myself is narrow as well . Please understand that since you are the adults i feel you should allow some consideration? and not take my steroid induced mood swings and my seeming inability to track details personally, unless you like being the victim, although there is something noble about being a martyr.

Back to planning or preparation....Remember the books that Little S gave me for the kids? One of the hardest things i have ever had to do was open the cover and put pen to page. I have started but WOW. Once i get going there's no stopping me (look at the size of this post already). I guess that that process is cathartic, figure out the hardest part first, then allow the rest to come through. They're not supposed to be sad, more conversational and stream of consciousness than anything else. Thanks again Little S.

I have more and more but i will save it for the next post. I believe that this should be a 2-parter and will finish if off soon.

Thanks Everybody!!!

/

♫♫♫ Good Times - Bad Times ♫♫♫

...you know I've had share..... Name that band?

I used to love some very specific music, when i was younger music was energy. Everything from my very first copy (on 8-track) of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, to the 4th time I purchased Frampton Comes Alive on vinyl (remember: do you feel like we do?).

The reason i am writing this up is a bit existential, so i don't expect everyone to care or read through to the end. But i feel the need to clarify, even if it's just for my own sake. Although if you make it to the end there is a relevant point being made

Quality starts as a dynamic force. When you see or hear something that you appreciate there is a Quality that you experience that attracts you, even before you analyze what it is you like, the Quality is present. Once the experience has been analyzed the the Quality becomes Static, meaning that your definition of why you like it becomes the reason you like is, not the dynamic quality that you first experience. The shift from Dynamic to Static is a sliding scale, it happens gradually as you continue to re-live the experience that gave you the initial Dynamic Quality thrill. As the scale shifts irrevocably toward Static Quality something else changes as well. The feedback from yourself changes, you no longer have the urge to share the Dynamic Quality experience with everyone like you did the first time you experienced the Dynamic Quality.

So what happens? Why the shift? The stimulus is the same, right? Note for note it is the same, (unless your vinyl is getting worn out). The Static Quality is still there, your definition of why you appreciate it is still applicable, hell, you still love the song, but something has changed. Remember that the Dynamic Quality happens before analysis, (a priori if you will), it is an instinctual thing, after the brain kicks in you start to ask what is it about this that has the Quality  that attracts me.

Something to remember at this point: The Quality Object we are referring to has been created, I need to exclude organic objects for this reasoning to hold, I am not referring to a sunset or a perfect summer day. The objects i am referencing have been engineered to elicit a response. Like a song or an event or a painting.

Alright alright.....This has been writing itself for like 3 days now, I will step in and offer guidance.....

Can I just leave you with this:

MOQ, or Metaphysics of Quality is an original idea by a contemporary philosopher named Robert Pirsig. His initial book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,  lays the groundwork for MOQ (and is an inspiring story about a father and son motorcycle trip). His second book called Lilla is an amazing piece of of original philosophy, I cannot recommend it highly enough, read it if you can find it.

Quality upon reexamination has other items that have been introduced by the individual, not all of them are for the consumer. Some constructs are there for the benefit of the creator and once the initial Dynamic Quality slides into static, other emotions come into play from the consumer side.

TaaDaa

Sorry for the long winded road to a book plug.

Ticketing System

-------BORING ANALYTICAL STUFF--------

In which the author attempts to make himself feel better by

removing all emotional context from his condition

It occurs to me this Tuesday morning that all trips are one way.

Regardless of your desire to return to your starting point you will return to your destination a different person based on the adventures from your journey.

This has been percolating for a few days for me. I remember my surgeon tellig B and I before the surgery that some effects from it would be permanent. Specifically he was referring to the aphasia. Our discussion on it was brief but direct and to the point (wonderful surgeon, Dr Soo).  (Hey B! Remember discussing Broca the other night?)

Anyway, the one of the areas of the brains that were harmed by my tumor is indicated by the green circle in this diagram:

Damage to this part of the brain causes what is known as aphasia. Characterized by difficulty choosing proper words from the word-storage-thingy in my head, as well as propositional word misplacement, i mean how specific is that?!? Therapy is supposed to alleviate some of the effect that is required to put together comprehensive thoughts and ideas. We'll see about that.

Part of the one way ticketing system says that somethings will never be the same. Oh, i can analyze a chess board (position, not design of the board). Win bunches of games, set up a network, I can configure RIPV2 (with notes), reconfigure a desktop system for SLI gaming, no issues with analysis at all. Just communicating those ideas to the world. There are some other cognitive effects that I can't quite define (duh) so i will not go into the description until i have the proper vocab in order to not mislead on the extent.

All aboard!

Some of you are saying what's the big deal? Well the big deal is that me and my brain go waaay back. We've always had a semi-adversarial relationship, i mean it keeps my heart beating, my lungs filling with air makes my hands move when i want all the basic stuff is reliable, the problem i have always had with my brain is it never shuts up. Blah blah blah always got something to say, like Homer says "Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip", now, i think it's got me in check, not mate yet, but it certainly has a King-Rook fork. Check out the giant chess board D and I put together on G+ (and if you're not active on G+ it would be the perfect time to sign up!).

So back to the one way trip: I have a bit more than 2 weeks of therapy to go. After the rad treatment the brain will simmer down for a bit, get back to what it would be a non-irritated state (take that, brain!) In it's non-irritated state they will do an MRI to check the nominal status of it's condition and take appropriate action. This is where the train leaves the station destinations are limited:

• My new Normal 
• Progressing
• Some sort of stasis that require continued treatment for maintenance.

My fear is more progressing, how much of my word-keeping-thingy can you take? What happens next? Next? Then what?

I remember when i checked into the ER, how distant i felt, the connections to the world were tenuous, the brain was fine i was there alive and thinking but the connections were weak there was a distance that i could not overcome.. How weak and far can they get? This is a one way ticket.

Is that all? Really? Not too dramatic from the inside.....

GAMMONS and HPRP and USUAL SUSPECTS update posted

Sunday Papers!

-------------->EXISTENTIAL PONDERING<------------------

I remember being 6 or 7 years old (hello 1970!), and getting the paper everyday in the morning. The Detroit Free Press was the paper of choice in my house, it came before the sun came up, my mom would always be reading it when i came down and got ready for school. She always had her left hand over the cup, and i remember seeing the steam from the hot coffee rising fron between her fingers as she read the Free Press. What a vivid image that is this morning.

So Sunday morning papers are hardly around anymore, they're available of course, but all the news is already old. I still enjoy reading the paper but just for the details that MSNBC or FOX leave out. It seems that all the details are in....well, the details.

Ernest Hemingway (drunk, misogynist, author and  hunter in that order I think), said that

Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived that distinguish one man from another.

Not quite brilliant, but he makes a good point. I am trying to show my boys as best I can that being positive and funny and strong are the right qualities to grow with you. This is a detail that I want to live with.

Especially now.

Meanderings!

I visited my office after a month of missing work on STD (ha ha). It was very cool to see everyone, it looks like they have had no trouble filling in the gap i have left behind. Which is important, no single piece of the machine can be so essential that the machine fails. I only wish, in retrospect, I had created better documentation on process, function and configuration. There's a goal for my return.

I started my 4th week of treatment on Friday. Only 21 chemo and 15 rads to go. Then a short hiatus an MRI and an assessment to go. Side effects have gone from nothing to minimal. Ahh progress. Sleeping is a chore, i cannot stay asleep for nothing, unless it's the middle of the day, then i can drop out for 3-4 hours no problem. We have come to call these Dog-Naps.

I refilled my rx for the Temodar on friday and there was a sticker on the box I found funny here's a pic:

Tough pic to take considering all the factors involved (construction on 94, speed zone, tumor....)  but i got it!

I just wanted to say hi to everyone, not a bunch to say that hasn't been said already. I hope your weather is nice today!

Jeff

Looking Through a Looking Glass (edit: NOT)

Thanks Providence sleepy me.

I had an exceptionally roller-coastery day yesterday, except it wasn't one of the roller-coasters that had any up parts to it. It was all downhill.

I wrote about it last night and did not publish it because it was full of typos a the way and random words that i put in for no apparent reason. I thought i would edit this AM and send it out. I was sleepy and couldn't get my thoughts together.

This morning the sun is up, dogs are fed kids are sleeping on the livingroom floor, (with Amazing E leading way, of course). Algebra final tomorrow (cumulative) and all she is here and she is wonderful. AD is the workhorse day in and out non-stop driving his dad around doing all the things that i would do if i had another 15 minutes before i needed to start on my next thing. And B, what can I say, she is 100% emotionally invested in every little BS thing i feel or express, as well as the HPRP Thugs/Goons. She has all of my nonsense plus her own, plus......i will not go into details about other issues that will soon be resolved.....Lets say that B is pulling more than she ought to as far as concern for this house and the way it is being managed by someone that can only pay attention to the details for a limited amount of time...

Back to today:
It is a new day and there is nothing about yesterday that matters to ME except R has a jersey with LABOND on it and M has a jersey with PLUCINSKI on it. And they are working together with the helmets and the new "Heads-Up-Tackle" system the state of MI put in place to protect the kids. (They refs are going to be throwing flags if the head is not up on a tackle. I think this may be a good thing, get them doing it right now, then in college when they really start to hit less concussions.) They are talking chin-straps and mouth guards and sharing info (will not quite sharing if you know what i mean), But still R is accepting advice from M and that is as good as it gets.

Today i am having more fasting blood work done again. Another 12 hours without eating anything. (Hey DOCS figure out how to subtract coffee from the test, cause i am drinking it anyway), the office seems to be a little less than forthcoming with the FBW results, kind of odd i think. I keep getting told ask so and so (which i haven't done) but you have the results, send them to me. I will get them today....I just want to track my numbers, ti want to see a pattern 'tis all.

I think that writing and emotional-not-positive blog and not posting it last night was a way to perform catharsis. IT worked. It is a new day. It is going to be better, and that's all we ask, just a bit bet each day (with a cancer exception of course).

I hope that everyone that reads this has sunshine and 75.

Thanks!

UPDATE on the GAMMONS Blog

This week's lessons include:

1. Bullies
2. Scaredy Cats
3. The difference between Libel and Slander
4. Role reversal
5. FaceBook!!!

Yay!

I'll post more later!

Cook? Cook, where's my Hasenpfeffer? (think Bugs Bunny)

Sunday. Jul 28, 1:15 an

Brushing my teeth before bed i noticed that the hair on the left side of my cranium looked especially thin. I thought "here we go, three weeks in and it's starting", Little did i know it hadn't just starte, it had happened. I looked down in the sink and saw a handful of hair. Rubbed my scalp and more fell out, tadaa! I jumped in the shower and scrubbed my scalp over and over, obviously wishing i was already asleep and just dreaming this was happening.

Short of being completely bald immediately, there is no way to lose ur hair gracefully. It was mangy looking, yes think mangy dog blotchy hair look. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and alone. I just kept thinking about M+R seeing me, I couldn't even look how in the world could they not see me as weak and broken?

They did say during the third week, they know their stuff.

So for the time being here's the new doo:

The scar in the pic is hardly noticeable, it looks more pronounced in the mirror. This will be fine, I know. This was expected (on almost this exact date, no less). This is just a change that I didn't assimilate into my brain. No big deal, the kids aren't gonna be upset, or scared or think i am broke (any more than they do). They will be exactly how I project myself to them, comfortable, confident and happy and strong.

                        )
                       (
           _ ___________ )
          [_[___________#

A funny thing materialized while i was shedding....

Over the course of a few days some conversations had been had by different people under different circumstances here on the farm. One of the points that came up a couple of times was this:

No matter what your support system is, the people helping can do only so much. It will always come down to a Personal Struggle that needs to be handled by the ONE person actually going through the issue. Your support system can only help you deal with it. But you still deal with it.

Think of the Royal-We, like the queen of England saying "We are not amused"

We help carry things, we help pick up things you drop, we try to make you happy, we try to be empathetic so we can better do the other things. If i am carrying 100 lbs of rocks in my head and 50 on my back, no one can help with the rocks in my head. That is a personal struggle.

Every bit of support touches and lightens the heart, yet nothing can help me while i am in the shower pulling out my hair and worrying about what my boys will see in me tomorring when they get up. That is what we would call personal struggle.

Books and Gifts

My little S (sorry for the anonymity, but you know who you are), brought over presents yesterday while she was coming by to take me to chemo/rad. She had read a post written earlier entitled "what I want my kids to know".

My goal when i wrote that post was to try and show my boys and G some of the things that I felt were truly important. Love, math, science, curiosity, amazement, hope, absence of regret and more. The post wasn't quite finished and I was not sure how to continue it. Little S came up with a solution to a problem that I wasn't really aware of. Here is what she did...

Each book has a metal cover engraved with the name of the four kids and includes a beautiful ballpoint pen. I am amazed at what she did. My first thought was how in the world am I going to do this gift justice? They are beautiful. Then it occurred to me that my poor penmanship is what should be in there. Hand written notes, with edits and scribbles and cut-outs pasted in and different color writing and times and dates and fleeting thoughts on 1/2 a page and all the things that you say to your kids as you walk by them in the hallway and everything that you may never get to say because your working or busy or trying to do something else and all the little lessons about being polite and listening instead of talking or talking when you need to be heard and being strong by being weak when the time is right or how to choose what is best for you sometimes and what is best for everyone at other times how to remember to smile at people even when they are scowling because it is EASY and makes a difference.

When I lived in San Diego in the 80's I explored Zen Buddhism (more about that later) at an ashram for a brief amount of time.  There was an teacher that spoke occasionally, Charlotte Beck. There were several lessons that i still walk with today that are invaluable, the most profound lesson was 

The only thing necessary to experience complete happiness is to not compare this moment to any other.

BUT the most important and the hardest lesson to learn and assimilate was:

Be here, now.

Being here now, experiencing what is happening around you now not longing for . At first it is an exercise that distracts you from whateveryourdoing at the moment

So many complicated ideas that build on each other so complicated that they become instinctual after a certain point, it's like trinomial equations, there is no solving them, theres a a range of write and wrong, you just know the rules for solving and apply them to the best of your ability.

No matter what a person prepares for nothing can get you ready for the event. Mike Tyson, yes Mike Tyson, said it best for me, he said "Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the jaw". I know it's Mike Tyson, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day. (No offence Mike, big fan, big fan).

Anyway, this ahs went on for a lot longer than i expected. Thanks again LittleS.

Shiny Metallic Purple Armor...

Obscur Jimi Hendrix references come easy....

Since my B has cane back and taken over ensuring that all my meds are filled and dispensed properly, I have been feeling so much throughout the day. I think it is as much because she is near as the meds. She is a perfect Wife, Mother and Caregiver, as well as excelling in  her field. I am amazed by the depth of her ability to give. Way more than the Grand Gestures, all of the little things that get done for and the boys....amazed. I am the luckiest man in the world.

This weekend, so far, the headaches are almost completely under control. Morning headaches are still wating around for me to wake up to pounce like an angry cat, all claws and teeth, but once that is over (couple of hours) my day is almost normal. Thanks B.

I get these odd moments of depression that flair up with no warning and bring me down fast and forcefully. So I have been trying to figure why?

I think of depression as a mechanism the body uses to accomplish an end that it needs, whether its the need to change a circumstance or make you behave a certain way. Whatever it is Evolution has put the DEPRESSION capability in us for a reason. It can be healthy or clinically-not.

Part of the Brain says it is chemical: that all of our emotions are, in fact chemical reactions. The chemicals get released and into emotive response center and we behave however we behave, sad, happy, depressed ...whatever. So if that is the case the question becomes about the release of the chemical.

Is the chemical released because of some random process that would qualify as clinical-depression? Meaning there is no basis for it? The brain just creates an excess of this chemical momentarily and BINGO we're depressed.

--OR--

Somewhere in my pea-brain some honest assessment has taken place without me realizing it, and said Oh yeah, this guy has issues, release the hounds!

Either way, right no, today, while my B is here, there will be no Hounds, clinical or otherwise.

Mixed messages

I am going to change the format a bit ion the blog, and break out commentary from reflection. I think my stream-of-consciousness rambling could use a bit of structure. So I will be adding a section after my daily adventures where I will be putting my existential comments.

Sissy came by and took the boys out for the day. She sent a bunch of pictures of their adventures they went everywhere. Looks like fishing, hiking, exploring the backyard. Looks like they had a blast. I hope the solved the railroad car / bone mystery!

Here's some pics she took:

So I did finally meet the problem-un-known-entirely*.  Pretty much right when they said he would show up, 5 days. It was a courageous battle that I eventually won (think Gandalf shouting "You Shall Not Pass!!! to the Balrog. NERD). It was a courageous battle that eventually won with the help of modern chemistry. I can't believe that I am not even a full week into this process. Holy shit it this is gonna take a while.

                        )
                       (
           _ ___________ )
          [_[___________#

That's my break......

I had the follow up visit to my surgeon yesterday afternoon.

He has a remarkable bedside manner. He walked in and put both hands on my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes and made the following statements

"I want you to feel good" 

"You know, this tumor is an aggressive tumor"

"It doubles in size every 39 days"

"Do you want to go XX XX XXXX, or do you want to XXX at XXXX?" (I have to edit that line Sorry)

Maybe it's not the messages that are mixed.

It seems to be a fine line between indulging yourself in pity and what you might refer to as an assessment of your situation. Who arbitrates those things? Got to be the individual, right? To the writer its just me expresing my self to the reader it's wallowing. There is no true-north on this.

Paying Bills---Redux

Warning:

This is a self indulgent post.

Feel free to Skip It

The rollercoaster that is my day does some amazing loop-de-loops. I go from giddy and enjoying the moment with my boys to wondering "why in the hell can they make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I mean how hard is it, goddamn it" in just seconds.  I stop the bad reaction quick, I'd like to think I stop it before it even gets out, but I know that's not true. I have tried explaining that I don't feel well...blah blah blah it's not you it's me...but do you think a 7 year old gets that? Besides it feels like an excuse, like I'm giving myself a pass at their expense, and that adds to my discomfort. I don't want a pass, I want to make my boys laugh. 

We set up a weight bench in the garage, (Amazing E donated it and Big D actually set it up in 95F). I had been promising them we would get some free-weights and we would start working out together. So picture this 4 boys, between 13 and 7, all of them under 90 lbs. Forearms all small enough for R for wrap his had around. I haven't grabbed a picture yet, but i promise it will be a doozy. I promise them that if they do 3(sets) x 10(reps) a day a few days a week they will feel a difference within a week. I think that's reasonable. I don't want to create a ,,,,,dunno what to call it, what i do know is I want them to feel good about themselves. This can be a great confidence booster for them. Even S mentioned that E will have no problems with this sort of exercise. This is gonna be fun, I hope I can develop a habit for them, so they feel like they missed out if they don't get a chance to use the weights.

I have been eating my monster1 and monster2 pills (along with 8 others x2 a day) daily since Friday. So far the only issues are these screaming headaches. Not the ones i have been feeling since surgery, these are new. They start at the top of my skull and cleave their way through to my neck. Almost constant without meds. They ARE well controlled, but don't think they are not hiding behind my pain meds waiting to come out like clockwork. I have  been told that the real side-effects do not start until about day 5. Everything is on a timeline...except for me.

I told R that i was going to get my hair done today, just shave the sides, his reaction was exactly what I have described previously. Not overly concerned,  but he doesn't want the scar to show. Sorry kiddo, I wish you didn't have to see your Dad's weakness. Dad's aren't supposed to have those, not when your sevenfuckingyearsold. What a huge disappointment. Based on my own childhood, fathers are the biggest, smartest, strongest people in the world. There's no weakness there, no flaws, what they do is the right thing. That's where the (my) notion of right and wrong came from. RIGHT/STRONG/SMART =  DAD. Now add in GBM and what the fuck do you get?

I just want them to grow up and be smart, funny and strong. If I die from this thing is that possible? Don't tell me about grace, I understand that. But grace can be derived from the other characteristics i describe.

What I do know is that the Bills on Some Mornings are Weightier than others.

Let the Games Begin

So here we go. 

I received a call from P, she is the study nurse that is corresponding the treatments, the normal Rad + Chemo plus the study med. She said that she has received all the blood, urine and MRI tests and I have been approved for the study, all systems are go. Additionally, of the two "legs" of the study I have been selected for the leg with the additional drug. yay, (i keep telling myself)

Tomorrow i will meet up with her 1 hour before my RAD treatment, give more blood (and other liquids) for the before portion of the study. At that time (exactly i hour before RAD) I will ingest  demon1 and demon2. Wait the 1 hour and be RADed.

I am nervous.

The RAD process is intimidating. It's quick, like 10 minutes, but theres this process where you lay on a table and they put this mask on me, buckle it into a table with theses clips so my head can not move. This is an accurate representation of it.

The face has been created from my face via a sort of wet-mesh that form fitted as it dried. Alignment marks have been made on it to align the RAD hits the same spots each visit. (5 days a week for 6 weeks.)  Ten simple minutes.

The horses are on the track.

After the RAD and meds the boys and I get to go out to Bloomfield to visit with B, thanks to that prick Gammons she will not be here...This has deteriorated into a stream of consciousness ramble-rant, but i guess that is where my thought process have gone for the time being.

6-weeks to go. Like I said Let the Games Begin.

Higher Education.....

At 48 years old I felt as if I knew some stuff.

Geographically speaking I have been around the world (almost) (go US Navy!), lived in all 4 corners of the US, as well as the high-desert of Northern-Nevada ("The Biggest Little City in the World"), the Low-Desert of Southern Nevada (what happened there stayed there).

Emotionally speaking it has been a ride as well. I don't want to bore you with those details. But the big picture looks like I have lived what looks like three lives. 

My first life included an ill fated marriage but  got me two of the most wonderful kids you could imagine, they have dropped everything to be here with me during this time of questions. Regardless of my questionable parenting skills when they were younger, they came here..they are here..and apparently the forgive me for being a complete disaster as a father while they were younger. 

My middle life was a death. I remember thinking during this timeframe that a person only actually exists to the extent that they have connections to others. That if I removed myself from all personal interaction, except for paying taxes and working there would be no Jeff L. in the world. At this time that was not an unpleasant idea. There was nothing good or bad for me, I was irrelevant, sounds bad? Not really, think of it a  Satori Experience. (It can actually be quite freeing, not to act upon but to enable a true sense of self to appear, who are you once the constraints are released???) I went for 6-7 years with no authentic connection to anyone including family, it was all mechanical motion and reflex, very odd.

My third life is here and NOW. This is where I have finally began to learn some stuff. I am an emotional idiot these days , call it what you will, chemical, physiological, psychological, NDE induced, whatever you call it it is. To me it is. This third life has taught me some things even before i got sick. My B opened my eyes to a world full of choices and opportunities. My (youngest) boys reminded me what unconditional love is. My B's family show me constantly how to be accepting and caring of different ideas, because we are more than just beliefs and views, we are "real-people". My own family has showed consistent and constant and outpouring of "what can I do to help?" mentality, even with their own issues, as concerning as my own, thank you Shir.

The most remarkable thing i have learned in the last month is that there is an amazing subset of people in the world that give-a-shit. And even beyond people, there are organisations that, somehow, seem to care as well. How in the world can an organisation care? Must be some sort of profit motive, right? Maybe, maybe not, whichever it is, it is.

The generosity of people toward me and my family since the GBM continues to amaze me. The people from AHIS have been beyond anything I thought was possible, a certain car company that we financed our Flex through left me speechless yesterday through their unwarranted and unprovoked generosity,  Baker College (where I am one term shy of graduating) came through in an unbelieveable fashion, (thank you Don Torline). 

Where have I been my whole life? How did I not know that this type of empathy and compassion actually existed? I knew it intellectually but it never became assimilated into my life. 

Something tells me that my true higher education began on June 6th, 2013 and my run a little longer than expected.

Thank you all for listening.

HPRP and Gammons

I have removed the LIVE LINK from this page.

If you would like to read the GAMMONS and HPRP BULLSHIT let me know, it's a public blog but you will need to get there manually.

Since this unholy process initiated by Gammons and HPRP is so negative, I have relocated it to it's own blog.

My reasoning is that so once i pass, it can be disposed of and the true real reason for the GBM Perspective can remain.

Here is a link:

Relocated HPRPandGammons Blog

Please feel free to comment (not just to me).
Also if you know of anyone being abused by HPRP or this process please send them this info!!!

Thanks

Jeff

Let go, let...ME!

This occurs to me on this July morning....

While I was trying to get myself into the ER at Providence I was aware. By aware I mean I was functioning cognitively, I was in the moment and had aims, points, expectations, goals and things I needed to get done. I was expressing these things to the people around me, from my manager, KD, to back-up On-Call-Girl, SC. To B on the phone, all the way to the 3 physicians, 5 nurses and countless techs...I had the desire to communicate and was choosing to do so.

The wonderful people at the ER had no idea what I was talking about, based on their training and skills they knew something was wrong, that I wasn't just a buffoon (!) walking down Dequindre looking for a hand-out. To B on the phone, I am not sure if I even expressed that I was in the ER. Despite my intention and desire (will)  to communicate what I was feeling, internally the skill set was evaporating, while it was in use.

There was a certain amount of humor involved. (Where do we find the capacity to laugh in certain times?) For example, I could not get my age right, I am told i kept telling them I was 27. Hilarious.

But to my point of this page....

As I was laying in the bed at Providence that morning looking out through my tunnel, I could imagine this would be how it would end for whatever-this-was gone mad. I was peaceful, I was making people laugh, I didn't hurt at all. Shit, I'll go as far as to say I felt stoned. I felt as if I had eaten Mushrooms. It was not unpleasant. There was just a simple disconnect between my internal processes and the world.

There seems to be a connection, an active connection, between our internal world and what we view as the Real-World.

Remember the story Plato tells of interacting with shadows on the cave wall? (Look it up if not...) As the fire dims and our ability to perceive and interpret and interact with the shadow fails we don't feel a failing, we simply continue to interact with what is available, until there is nothing but embers, too insignificant to cast a shadow, at that point there is nothing left to interact with and we are alone.