Cook? Cook, where's my Hasenpfeffer? (think Bugs Bunny)

Sunday. Jul 28, 1:15 an

Brushing my teeth before bed i noticed that the hair on the left side of my cranium looked especially thin. I thought "here we go, three weeks in and it's starting", Little did i know it hadn't just starte, it had happened. I looked down in the sink and saw a handful of hair. Rubbed my scalp and more fell out, tadaa! I jumped in the shower and scrubbed my scalp over and over, obviously wishing i was already asleep and just dreaming this was happening.

Short of being completely bald immediately, there is no way to lose ur hair gracefully. It was mangy looking, yes think mangy dog blotchy hair look. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and alone. I just kept thinking about M+R seeing me, I couldn't even look how in the world could they not see me as weak and broken?

They did say during the third week, they know their stuff.

So for the time being here's the new doo:

The scar in the pic is hardly noticeable, it looks more pronounced in the mirror. This will be fine, I know. This was expected (on almost this exact date, no less). This is just a change that I didn't assimilate into my brain. No big deal, the kids aren't gonna be upset, or scared or think i am broke (any more than they do). They will be exactly how I project myself to them, comfortable, confident and happy and strong.

                        )
                       (
           _ ___________ )
          [_[___________#

A funny thing materialized while i was shedding....

Over the course of a few days some conversations had been had by different people under different circumstances here on the farm. One of the points that came up a couple of times was this:

No matter what your support system is, the people helping can do only so much. It will always come down to a Personal Struggle that needs to be handled by the ONE person actually going through the issue. Your support system can only help you deal with it. But you still deal with it.

Think of the Royal-We, like the queen of England saying "We are not amused"

We help carry things, we help pick up things you drop, we try to make you happy, we try to be empathetic so we can better do the other things. If i am carrying 100 lbs of rocks in my head and 50 on my back, no one can help with the rocks in my head. That is a personal struggle.

Every bit of support touches and lightens the heart, yet nothing can help me while i am in the shower pulling out my hair and worrying about what my boys will see in me tomorring when they get up. That is what we would call personal struggle.