This occurs to me on this July morning....
While I was trying to get myself into the ER at Providence I was aware. By aware I mean I was functioning cognitively, I was in the moment and had aims, points, expectations, goals and things I needed to get done. I was expressing these things to the people around me, from my manager, KD, to back-up On-Call-Girl, SC. To B on the phone, all the way to the 3 physicians, 5 nurses and countless techs...I had the desire to communicate and was choosing to do so.
The wonderful people at the ER had no idea what I was talking about, based on their training and skills they knew something was wrong, that I wasn't just a buffoon (!) walking down Dequindre looking for a hand-out. To B on the phone, I am not sure if I even expressed that I was in the ER. Despite my intention and desire (will) to communicate what I was feeling, internally the skill set was evaporating, while it was in use.
There was a certain amount of humor involved. (Where do we find the capacity to laugh in certain times?) For example, I could not get my age right, I am told i kept telling them I was 27. Hilarious.
But to my point of this page....
As I was laying in the bed at Providence that morning looking out through my tunnel, I could imagine this would be how it would end for whatever-this-was gone mad. I was peaceful, I was making people laugh, I didn't hurt at all. Shit, I'll go as far as to say I felt stoned. I felt as if I had eaten Mushrooms. It was not unpleasant. There was just a simple disconnect between my internal processes and the world.
There seems to be a connection, an active connection, between our internal world and what we view as the Real-World.
Remember the story Plato tells of interacting with shadows on the cave wall? (Look it up if not...) As the fire dims and our ability to perceive and interpret and interact with the shadow fails we don't feel a failing, we simply continue to interact with what is available, until there is nothing but embers, too insignificant to cast a shadow, at that point there is nothing left to interact with and we are alone.
Wheat grass is for mowing or feeding grazers organic diets.
ReplyDeleteDude that was a lot of information in 9 posts and seeing as I haven't a clue about GBM other than what Bing brought up on the right side of the page;*shrug* got nothing to say about it. Sounds like it sucks ass but beyond that--I got nothing; no encouraging words or words of sorrow or apology that you're going through this. I do hope that when it's all said and done they get all the crap out of you... but if hope were rainbows there'd be one every damn place you looked.
I wouldn't wear a mullet a hat would be sufficient and less people would think you were trying to be Joe Dirt, American folk hero of the silver screen. Although I'd play you chess, knowing I would lose every time because my strategy seems to work better when I don't think ahead, much less look for traps I wouldn't recognize as traps anyway but shit, chess would be secondary to shooting the shit and smoking whatever.
Though some smokeables I prefer to eat myself. It's not often a diabetic has a legitimate reason to chow down a couple of brownies. But the tobacco, that I prefer to smoke.
That first day sounds like it was a rather odd day of perceptions and then the way you explain the ongoing breakdown of cognition another medical experience I have not had, I myself just tend to break shit, bones and joints mostly, but I have grown to get used to the medical industrial system.
No there is no reason to keep people sick to make them rich, the bastards are already 16% of GDP, a cure of anything might up that to 18%. I have though been trapped in the system off and on, mostly on, for the past 25 years and to be honest they may be great minds and all but except for my PCP they all are just people who practice a job I hire them to do.
Yeah dude you don't know me I popped over here from S's place who I have quaintly named DM=Dufus Maximus.
Make your day move towards the best possible outcome for today. That would make it the best day that this square on the calendar has to offer and beyond that tomorrow can worry for itself.
Peace in your mind is no illusion--keep it.
mark
Thanks for your comments, Mark.
ReplyDeleteThe Joe Dirt line had me laughing out loud.
I think finding the peace inside is easy enough, it's hanging on to it that's the problem. Even with a resolve to remember that you have made a conscious choice, over time the voice of doubt creeps in and says "weeeellll, maybe you should have...." fill in the blank. That seems to be where the exercise happen.
(at least) One movement in the proper direction every day will get me where i want to go.
Thanks again for your comments.
J.