Looking Through a Looking Glass (edit: NOT)

Thanks Providence sleepy me.

I had an exceptionally roller-coastery day yesterday, except it wasn't one of the roller-coasters that had any up parts to it. It was all downhill.

I wrote about it last night and did not publish it because it was full of typos a the way and random words that i put in for no apparent reason. I thought i would edit this AM and send it out. I was sleepy and couldn't get my thoughts together.

This morning the sun is up, dogs are fed kids are sleeping on the livingroom floor, (with Amazing E leading way, of course). Algebra final tomorrow (cumulative) and all she is here and she is wonderful. AD is the workhorse day in and out non-stop driving his dad around doing all the things that i would do if i had another 15 minutes before i needed to start on my next thing. And B, what can I say, she is 100% emotionally invested in every little BS thing i feel or express, as well as the HPRP Thugs/Goons. She has all of my nonsense plus her own, plus......i will not go into details about other issues that will soon be resolved.....Lets say that B is pulling more than she ought to as far as concern for this house and the way it is being managed by someone that can only pay attention to the details for a limited amount of time...

Back to today:
It is a new day and there is nothing about yesterday that matters to ME except R has a jersey with LABOND on it and M has a jersey with PLUCINSKI on it. And they are working together with the helmets and the new "Heads-Up-Tackle" system the state of MI put in place to protect the kids. (They refs are going to be throwing flags if the head is not up on a tackle. I think this may be a good thing, get them doing it right now, then in college when they really start to hit less concussions.) They are talking chin-straps and mouth guards and sharing info (will not quite sharing if you know what i mean), But still R is accepting advice from M and that is as good as it gets.

Today i am having more fasting blood work done again. Another 12 hours without eating anything. (Hey DOCS figure out how to subtract coffee from the test, cause i am drinking it anyway), the office seems to be a little less than forthcoming with the FBW results, kind of odd i think. I keep getting told ask so and so (which i haven't done) but you have the results, send them to me. I will get them today....I just want to track my numbers, ti want to see a pattern 'tis all.

I think that writing and emotional-not-positive blog and not posting it last night was a way to perform catharsis. IT worked. It is a new day. It is going to be better, and that's all we ask, just a bit bet each day (with a cancer exception of course).

I hope that everyone that reads this has sunshine and 75.

Thanks!

UPDATE on the GAMMONS Blog

This week's lessons include:

1. Bullies
2. Scaredy Cats
3. The difference between Libel and Slander
4. Role reversal
5. FaceBook!!!

Yay!

I'll post more later!

Cook? Cook, where's my Hasenpfeffer? (think Bugs Bunny)

Sunday. Jul 28, 1:15 an

Brushing my teeth before bed i noticed that the hair on the left side of my cranium looked especially thin. I thought "here we go, three weeks in and it's starting", Little did i know it hadn't just starte, it had happened. I looked down in the sink and saw a handful of hair. Rubbed my scalp and more fell out, tadaa! I jumped in the shower and scrubbed my scalp over and over, obviously wishing i was already asleep and just dreaming this was happening.

Short of being completely bald immediately, there is no way to lose ur hair gracefully. It was mangy looking, yes think mangy dog blotchy hair look. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and alone. I just kept thinking about M+R seeing me, I couldn't even look how in the world could they not see me as weak and broken?

They did say during the third week, they know their stuff.

So for the time being here's the new doo:

The scar in the pic is hardly noticeable, it looks more pronounced in the mirror. This will be fine, I know. This was expected (on almost this exact date, no less). This is just a change that I didn't assimilate into my brain. No big deal, the kids aren't gonna be upset, or scared or think i am broke (any more than they do). They will be exactly how I project myself to them, comfortable, confident and happy and strong.

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          [_[___________#

A funny thing materialized while i was shedding....

Over the course of a few days some conversations had been had by different people under different circumstances here on the farm. One of the points that came up a couple of times was this:

No matter what your support system is, the people helping can do only so much. It will always come down to a Personal Struggle that needs to be handled by the ONE person actually going through the issue. Your support system can only help you deal with it. But you still deal with it.

Think of the Royal-We, like the queen of England saying "We are not amused"

We help carry things, we help pick up things you drop, we try to make you happy, we try to be empathetic so we can better do the other things. If i am carrying 100 lbs of rocks in my head and 50 on my back, no one can help with the rocks in my head. That is a personal struggle.

Every bit of support touches and lightens the heart, yet nothing can help me while i am in the shower pulling out my hair and worrying about what my boys will see in me tomorring when they get up. That is what we would call personal struggle.

Books and Gifts

My little S (sorry for the anonymity, but you know who you are), brought over presents yesterday while she was coming by to take me to chemo/rad. She had read a post written earlier entitled "what I want my kids to know".

My goal when i wrote that post was to try and show my boys and G some of the things that I felt were truly important. Love, math, science, curiosity, amazement, hope, absence of regret and more. The post wasn't quite finished and I was not sure how to continue it. Little S came up with a solution to a problem that I wasn't really aware of. Here is what she did...

Each book has a metal cover engraved with the name of the four kids and includes a beautiful ballpoint pen. I am amazed at what she did. My first thought was how in the world am I going to do this gift justice? They are beautiful. Then it occurred to me that my poor penmanship is what should be in there. Hand written notes, with edits and scribbles and cut-outs pasted in and different color writing and times and dates and fleeting thoughts on 1/2 a page and all the things that you say to your kids as you walk by them in the hallway and everything that you may never get to say because your working or busy or trying to do something else and all the little lessons about being polite and listening instead of talking or talking when you need to be heard and being strong by being weak when the time is right or how to choose what is best for you sometimes and what is best for everyone at other times how to remember to smile at people even when they are scowling because it is EASY and makes a difference.

When I lived in San Diego in the 80's I explored Zen Buddhism (more about that later) at an ashram for a brief amount of time.  There was an teacher that spoke occasionally, Charlotte Beck. There were several lessons that i still walk with today that are invaluable, the most profound lesson was 

The only thing necessary to experience complete happiness is to not compare this moment to any other.

BUT the most important and the hardest lesson to learn and assimilate was:

Be here, now.

Being here now, experiencing what is happening around you now not longing for . At first it is an exercise that distracts you from whateveryourdoing at the moment

So many complicated ideas that build on each other so complicated that they become instinctual after a certain point, it's like trinomial equations, there is no solving them, theres a a range of write and wrong, you just know the rules for solving and apply them to the best of your ability.

No matter what a person prepares for nothing can get you ready for the event. Mike Tyson, yes Mike Tyson, said it best for me, he said "Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the jaw". I know it's Mike Tyson, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day. (No offence Mike, big fan, big fan).

Anyway, this ahs went on for a lot longer than i expected. Thanks again LittleS.

Shiny Metallic Purple Armor...

Obscur Jimi Hendrix references come easy....

Since my B has cane back and taken over ensuring that all my meds are filled and dispensed properly, I have been feeling so much throughout the day. I think it is as much because she is near as the meds. She is a perfect Wife, Mother and Caregiver, as well as excelling in  her field. I am amazed by the depth of her ability to give. Way more than the Grand Gestures, all of the little things that get done for and the boys....amazed. I am the luckiest man in the world.

This weekend, so far, the headaches are almost completely under control. Morning headaches are still wating around for me to wake up to pounce like an angry cat, all claws and teeth, but once that is over (couple of hours) my day is almost normal. Thanks B.

I get these odd moments of depression that flair up with no warning and bring me down fast and forcefully. So I have been trying to figure why?

I think of depression as a mechanism the body uses to accomplish an end that it needs, whether its the need to change a circumstance or make you behave a certain way. Whatever it is Evolution has put the DEPRESSION capability in us for a reason. It can be healthy or clinically-not.

Part of the Brain says it is chemical: that all of our emotions are, in fact chemical reactions. The chemicals get released and into emotive response center and we behave however we behave, sad, happy, depressed ...whatever. So if that is the case the question becomes about the release of the chemical.

Is the chemical released because of some random process that would qualify as clinical-depression? Meaning there is no basis for it? The brain just creates an excess of this chemical momentarily and BINGO we're depressed.

--OR--

Somewhere in my pea-brain some honest assessment has taken place without me realizing it, and said Oh yeah, this guy has issues, release the hounds!

Either way, right no, today, while my B is here, there will be no Hounds, clinical or otherwise.

Mixed messages

I am going to change the format a bit ion the blog, and break out commentary from reflection. I think my stream-of-consciousness rambling could use a bit of structure. So I will be adding a section after my daily adventures where I will be putting my existential comments.

Sissy came by and took the boys out for the day. She sent a bunch of pictures of their adventures they went everywhere. Looks like fishing, hiking, exploring the backyard. Looks like they had a blast. I hope the solved the railroad car / bone mystery!

Here's some pics she took:

So I did finally meet the problem-un-known-entirely*.  Pretty much right when they said he would show up, 5 days. It was a courageous battle that I eventually won (think Gandalf shouting "You Shall Not Pass!!! to the Balrog. NERD). It was a courageous battle that eventually won with the help of modern chemistry. I can't believe that I am not even a full week into this process. Holy shit it this is gonna take a while.

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          [_[___________#

That's my break......

I had the follow up visit to my surgeon yesterday afternoon.

He has a remarkable bedside manner. He walked in and put both hands on my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes and made the following statements

"I want you to feel good" 

"You know, this tumor is an aggressive tumor"

"It doubles in size every 39 days"

"Do you want to go XX XX XXXX, or do you want to XXX at XXXX?" (I have to edit that line Sorry)

Maybe it's not the messages that are mixed.

It seems to be a fine line between indulging yourself in pity and what you might refer to as an assessment of your situation. Who arbitrates those things? Got to be the individual, right? To the writer its just me expresing my self to the reader it's wallowing. There is no true-north on this.

Paying Bills---Redux

Warning:

This is a self indulgent post.

Feel free to Skip It

The rollercoaster that is my day does some amazing loop-de-loops. I go from giddy and enjoying the moment with my boys to wondering "why in the hell can they make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I mean how hard is it, goddamn it" in just seconds.  I stop the bad reaction quick, I'd like to think I stop it before it even gets out, but I know that's not true. I have tried explaining that I don't feel well...blah blah blah it's not you it's me...but do you think a 7 year old gets that? Besides it feels like an excuse, like I'm giving myself a pass at their expense, and that adds to my discomfort. I don't want a pass, I want to make my boys laugh. 

We set up a weight bench in the garage, (Amazing E donated it and Big D actually set it up in 95F). I had been promising them we would get some free-weights and we would start working out together. So picture this 4 boys, between 13 and 7, all of them under 90 lbs. Forearms all small enough for R for wrap his had around. I haven't grabbed a picture yet, but i promise it will be a doozy. I promise them that if they do 3(sets) x 10(reps) a day a few days a week they will feel a difference within a week. I think that's reasonable. I don't want to create a ,,,,,dunno what to call it, what i do know is I want them to feel good about themselves. This can be a great confidence booster for them. Even S mentioned that E will have no problems with this sort of exercise. This is gonna be fun, I hope I can develop a habit for them, so they feel like they missed out if they don't get a chance to use the weights.

I have been eating my monster1 and monster2 pills (along with 8 others x2 a day) daily since Friday. So far the only issues are these screaming headaches. Not the ones i have been feeling since surgery, these are new. They start at the top of my skull and cleave their way through to my neck. Almost constant without meds. They ARE well controlled, but don't think they are not hiding behind my pain meds waiting to come out like clockwork. I have  been told that the real side-effects do not start until about day 5. Everything is on a timeline...except for me.

I told R that i was going to get my hair done today, just shave the sides, his reaction was exactly what I have described previously. Not overly concerned,  but he doesn't want the scar to show. Sorry kiddo, I wish you didn't have to see your Dad's weakness. Dad's aren't supposed to have those, not when your sevenfuckingyearsold. What a huge disappointment. Based on my own childhood, fathers are the biggest, smartest, strongest people in the world. There's no weakness there, no flaws, what they do is the right thing. That's where the (my) notion of right and wrong came from. RIGHT/STRONG/SMART =  DAD. Now add in GBM and what the fuck do you get?

I just want them to grow up and be smart, funny and strong. If I die from this thing is that possible? Don't tell me about grace, I understand that. But grace can be derived from the other characteristics i describe.

What I do know is that the Bills on Some Mornings are Weightier than others.