This is a self indulgent post.
Feel free to Skip It
The rollercoaster that is my day does some amazing loop-de-loops. I go from giddy and enjoying the moment with my boys to wondering "why in the hell can they make his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I mean how hard is it, goddamn it" in just seconds. I stop the bad reaction quick, I'd like to think I stop it before it even gets out, but I know that's not true. I have tried explaining that I don't feel well...blah blah blah it's not you it's me...but do you think a 7 year old gets that? Besides it feels like an excuse, like I'm giving myself a pass at their expense, and that adds to my discomfort. I don't want a pass, I want to make my boys laugh.
We set up a weight bench in the garage, (Amazing E donated it and Big D actually set it up in 95F). I had been promising them we would get some free-weights and we would start working out together. So picture this 4 boys, between 13 and 7, all of them under 90 lbs. Forearms all small enough for R for wrap his had around. I haven't grabbed a picture yet, but i promise it will be a doozy. I promise them that if they do 3(sets) x 10(reps) a day a few days a week they will feel a difference within a week. I think that's reasonable. I don't want to create a ,,,,,dunno what to call it, what i do know is I want them to feel good about themselves. This can be a great confidence booster for them. Even S mentioned that E will have no problems with this sort of exercise. This is gonna be fun, I hope I can develop a habit for them, so they feel like they missed out if they don't get a chance to use the weights.
I have been eating my monster1 and monster2 pills (along with 8 others x2 a day) daily since Friday. So far the only issues are these screaming headaches. Not the ones i have been feeling since surgery, these are new. They start at the top of my skull and cleave their way through to my neck. Almost constant without meds. They ARE well controlled, but don't think they are not hiding behind my pain meds waiting to come out like clockwork. I have been told that the real side-effects do not start until about day 5. Everything is on a timeline...except for me.
I told R that i was going to get my hair done today, just shave the sides, his reaction was exactly what I have described previously. Not overly concerned, but he doesn't want the scar to show. Sorry kiddo, I wish you didn't have to see your Dad's weakness. Dad's aren't supposed to have those, not when your sevenfuckingyearsold. What a huge disappointment. Based on my own childhood, fathers are the biggest, smartest, strongest people in the world. There's no weakness there, no flaws, what they do is the right thing. That's where the (my) notion of right and wrong came from. RIGHT/STRONG/SMART = DAD. Now add in GBM and what the fuck do you get?
I just want them to grow up and be smart, funny and strong. If I die from this thing is that possible? Don't tell me about grace, I understand that. But grace can be derived from the other characteristics i describe.
What I do know is that the Bills on Some Mornings are Weightier than others.
I have been eating my monster1 and monster2 pills (along with 8 others x2 a day) daily since Friday. So far the only issues are these screaming headaches. Not the ones i have been feeling since surgery, these are new. They start at the top of my skull and cleave their way through to my neck. Almost constant without meds. They ARE well controlled, but don't think they are not hiding behind my pain meds waiting to come out like clockwork. I have been told that the real side-effects do not start until about day 5. Everything is on a timeline...except for me.
I told R that i was going to get my hair done today, just shave the sides, his reaction was exactly what I have described previously. Not overly concerned, but he doesn't want the scar to show. Sorry kiddo, I wish you didn't have to see your Dad's weakness. Dad's aren't supposed to have those, not when your sevenfuckingyearsold. What a huge disappointment. Based on my own childhood, fathers are the biggest, smartest, strongest people in the world. There's no weakness there, no flaws, what they do is the right thing. That's where the (my) notion of right and wrong came from. RIGHT/STRONG/SMART = DAD. Now add in GBM and what the fuck do you get?
I just want them to grow up and be smart, funny and strong. If I die from this thing is that possible? Don't tell me about grace, I understand that. But grace can be derived from the other characteristics i describe.
What I do know is that the Bills on Some Mornings are Weightier than others.
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